this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
