Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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