if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I supernannyed him into submission
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
