when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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