he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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