i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
