I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
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well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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