I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
