Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
