why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
