We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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