I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
