Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
