I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
