she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
