nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
