It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
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And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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