We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
