I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
