A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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