Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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