it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
