I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
