I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
