If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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