I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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