Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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