I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
