I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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