No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
