idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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