Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
