How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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