they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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