woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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