So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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