I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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