Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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