I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
