Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.