we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.