I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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