Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we're making bets on your personal life
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
