we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
