I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
