Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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