The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
