im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
