Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
