He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
