birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
