how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Girls should come with a carfax report
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
