Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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