I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
