mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
