I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
