i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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